Saturday, November 29, 2008

[231] My past posts - Contemplating my options

I was just about to go back and edit my first original old posts. I realized, they need to stay. Well over a year old - they are raw and honest.
(Ok I might edit the run-on sentences and spelling)

Post Thxgv. I spent all of yesterday out shopping finding the stuff that fits me perfectly... either in the fat lady store, or in the electronics department. I have been wavering in the past few weeks. Wondering if I really want to undergo surgery, feeling as if I am strong enough to do this on my own. Realizing that I really am not. I remember walking in the room the other day. A man on the TV struggling with oxygen and trying to move out of his bed could barely transport his body. The caption being... a food addiction and the food is winning. I could relate.
Uncle Jack and Aunt Norma stopped by with DVD footage from the summer. I wondered what I might look like on DVD. As the camera got closer I just wanted to shrivel up and die. I looked awful. Bigger than relatives, which was a stark reality.
Really, I'm feeling totally helpless when it comes to loosing weight and very much wanting and needing help.
I keep feeling scared. I love food.

We cooked for thanksgiving, the dishes I prepared had nothing altered or preserved they were fantastic. Beth mentioned how she feels as if I've blossomed as a cook since we've been together. I have to agree, it's my domain and always challenging.

We went to the outlets yesterday. Except for Lane Bryant, there really was not one appropriate store for me. I watched Beth try really cute clothing on, shirt after shirt, after shirt. I tried to but on an xxl in Reebok and I looked as if I had been stuffed into a sausage casing. I have to consider how close am I - 80% there. The other 10% is the approval, the last 10% is the scheduling.

I don't believe I can do this on my own. I am helpless.
Wow, it's October 14, 2008 - I found this blog. I actually looked because I had found someone else’s gastric bypass blog, and thought... hmm .. that a good idea. Apparently I already had the idea four months ago. BRILLIANT
I had to laugh.
So the other day I had a weigh in and a meeting with my nutritionist. I had apparently gained 4 pounds to a whopping 231 LB weigh in. I was totally un-amused. I had essentially spent the last month since my nutrition seminar apparently cooking my heart out trying to get in all of the good recipes in.
Brownies, Apple Pie, Steak, pasta, shrimp, if I could make it I had it. until I was reminded I need to loose 5% from my original weigh in weight which told me from 12 to 15 lbs - that just stinks.

Today was June 10th, I had an appointment to attend a seminar at Highland Hospital to learn more about Gastric Bypass. Interesting I had a number of epiphanies during the seminar, the first major one being ... this is my first step forward. I weigh 220 lbs at 5'1 that puts me 100 lbs overweight. Imagine my thought process ... do I continue to live like this or do I make the big plunge and move forward to change my life with something as evasive as a surgery.. How much of an impact will this have on my enjoyment of food? Or will my interests change because I can actually do something other than cook and eat...