Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Tipping Point - Going Private

It's is April 25, 2010. We just got back from Sanibel .... had an awesome trip, I'm confident it's going to be busy returning back to work. However this was a tough week for me emotionally. Normally in visiting my parents I'm emotionally exhausted from my parents, but while that still had it's ups and downs - my true devastation was clearly myself and my weight. I came home today reflecting on how many stories I had to tell, and I wasn't willing to share them because I had made a public blog. I've been doing so horrible on my food and health choices in general, I had essentially absolved myself any responsibility, just not posting. Tonight I made it private. I realized I have a story ... I may not feel comfortable telling anyone else, but at the very least I have to write it down and admit it to myself.
It seems to hit closer to home seeing my dad, in once conversation he called himself disabled, I found myself pushing myself harder than normal, not complaining and feeling like I was not just enormous, but finding strategies to work around my body.
My legs hurt this week, in between them where my thighs hurt. In the hot weather or after the beach they rubbed together fiercely. I found myself constantly applying talcum powered, it was so uncomfortable.
At the airport today, I furiously moved my feet to stay up with Beth, tonight I feel my right foot cramping... I think of Cherie her struggle with weight and her leg cramps.
Buying clothing I almost had to buy size 24 ... my heart is heavy.
Beth took photos of my over the week - I look in a word enormous

 When I wear capris I have a FUPA ... I have to admit, I am happier then I have ever been, but my weight clearly depresses the hell out of me.  I don't understand how my partner can even tolerate me, I'm disgusting.  I know it may seem to an external person that I'm whining or complaining, but the truth is I think I'm just trying to be as honest as I can.

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